Hello Once Again Love.
I hope you're doing well. I'm kind of concerned for you right now though. You're obviously hurting because you miss you grandfather, sensitive because you're sleep deprived and just a bit shaken from the change. But I'm going to really ask you to keep your self in check. Do not pick up a cigarette because you feel down. Please don't smoke weed, it's not worth it. And Laura, don't be stupid. Why on earth would you have a drink. I don't even care what the circumstances were. That is not okay. May I remind you that it's illegal. If you feel as if you need to act that way or do those things to impress Zoe and her friends or whatever it is, stop. It's not worth it buddy. And don't let the illusive 'French Romance' take up all your time either. Whoever these guys are, they sound cool and fun. Whoever this guy who's trying to use you at the concert, he's not so cool. I'm sorry I'm ranting here, but please. Respect yourself enough to make wise decisions.
Please tell me a little more about Zoe.You have yet to tell me something I don't know about her. Which is rather disappointing, but I still love you. I want to hear about the concert and about what you're doing and who you're with.
ANYWAYS
I just returned from Willow Springs Camp, Week 1. Which was incredible. And the most fun I have had in a while. The people there are amazing and the talks we have are just so meaningful, the skits are so fun. It's just the best place in the world for me. I wish I could write out every game we played, every song we sang, every conversation we had, every skill we did, every testimony given, but oh dear, that seems impossible. However, I'm sure I'll be mentioning stories later.
I made $185 in less than an hour today for our Missions Trip selling freezies which was really, really, really cool. Just the way people give so much. It's incredible to witness the generosity. I mean, we probably "sold" 23 freezies, (Freezies cost $1) But people would just come up with a twenty and tell us to keep the change. It was so wonderful. We only have around 20 days left until we leave, and we still have around 7,000 to raise. So that will be tons of fun. But I'm really trying to put my faith in that for now.
See, faith is a funny part of my week. Because God is a giant part of WSC but I'd have to say this week did nothing for me. And I don't know who you've told about this blog, but this might go just a little deep.
This week could have been incredible for me to realise how much God loves me and I could have just used it as a huge turning point, but I didn't. I was stuck. Stuck like I always am. Trying to get the tears to come, screaming in silence. Just hoping to feel something, anything at all. To just have something there. I need to feel it. And I feel nothing. So I'm stuck. And that really bombed for me, because I'm going no where in my life while I am stuck in this one position. And that sucks. But I also learned this week how much people depend on me, how much they credit me for, and how much I mean to them. I have so many people who lean on me. Use me for support, say that I keep them strong, that I encourage them to keep going on, that I've "saved" them. But in perspective, it's terrible. How do these people not know what that does to me? They say all these things, and its these things that restrict me from showing emotion. Because if I start to fall, or have problems, or show how screwed up I really am, what happens then? Everyone falls. Because I couldn't hold them up. Because its now my job to do that. So I sit there in the circle of girls bawling their eyes out and there I am, holding hands, and giving hugs. I pat heads and whisper words of love. And you look around the place and there's not a dry eye in sight, and then you see me. No tears, no fears. Just laying the grass under the stars, all alone. Not crying, not speaking; nothing. There is nothing. And this week made me realize how much I need to break out of the cycle of not feeling anything, or something very bad is going to happen.
Have you ever heard of the 'Everything Skit'? It's really sweet and I'll show it to you sometime. Pretty deep stuff, but it's all very good. They preformed it beautifully. Along with cardboard testimonies. It was an amazing night, I just wish I could have felt something with it. And that's what makes me feel like such a fake too. That I just fake the way live to make others happy.
I was asked to speak in Chapel. And you don't know what Chapel is, but its where one guy comes and talks every morning. And its prayer, its devotions, it's singing, its testimonies, it's bible passages, and it's a message. And all week we'd been focusing on different people in the bible and their relationship with God and then one night, the guy leading Chapel comes and pulls me aside to talk to me. And he tells me he wants me to be the one we're all going to talk about the next morning. Because my life and walk with God was one to be admired and people would like to know and have something that they can "relate to and look up to to realize that it's possible to have a successful and incredible relationship" Though I disagree, I spoke. And all throughout the week, people would come up and tell me what a good job I did, and sure it felt nice. But it just made me feel all the worse that I had left out all the times that I was broken, or felt down and worthless, which is quite frequently. If I were to write a cardboard box testimony, it would say "Struggles with self-worth" and I really don't know what I could change it to. Because that's a problem I have yet to concur.
But I guess I can keep in mind : Without struggle there is no progress.
I assume it's something I'm going to have to continue to work at. I know its something I'm going to have to keep working at. But I'm not giving up anytime soon. At least I hope not. And I'm sorry for the length. Sometimes it's just got to be written out. If you're wondering how camp works, let me fill you in.
Wake up. Flag Pole. Breakfast. Chapel. Skill. Skill. Skill. Skill. Lunch. Cabin Time. Game. Free Time. Cabin Time. Dinner. Chapel. Free Time. Game. Campfire. Devos. Bed. (All from 8-11:30)
My Skills were Drama, Boating, Mountain Biking & Outdoor Survival.
I actually won an award for Drama, so that was terribly exciting.
I have a video from the week, so when you get back I'll show you. (:
I'll be in Haliburton this week. With too many people to name, but we're saying at Hunter and Jake's.
Enjoy your berry picking.
I miss you.
